


Zappa the Babysitter

by Broken_Clover



Category: Guilty Gear
Genre: Babysitting, Comedy, Gen, Minor Violence, Mostly Canon Compliant, Zappa is not paid enough for this shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:13:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26624233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broken_Clover/pseuds/Broken_Clover
Summary: With just about everyone too busy to help, a desperate Ky calls in some unlikely help to look after the kids for the afternoon.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

“Is everything all set for your trip, honey?”

Ky gave his wife a placating smile. “Of course, Dizzy. I packed all my things yesterday and I’ve double-checked to make sure. The airship is heading out at three, but they can’t exactly leave without me, can they?”

She shook her head, donning a smile of her own. “I suppose not. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to nag, I just want to make sure you’re all ready.”

A kiss was placed on her temple. “It’s alright. I suppose I could ask the same for you?”

“It’s just an evening out, dearest.” She laughed. “I’m not going to the moon.”

“Hmm. The moon would be much nicer than Australia this time of year. Not to mention, far fewer venomous animals.”

“Are you sure that it’s safe to go? I’m worried it might be dangerous…” Dizzy’s tail swished back and forth restlessly, though she tried to hide it.

“It’s alright. I promise.” Ky assured her. “It’s not going to be dangerous. Perhaps a bit dull, but certainly not dangerous.” He tried to change the subject so she wouldn’t worry. “You’ve already called May, correct?”

“Yes. I’ll be heading out to meet her at the port for two-thirty. I should be back by nine-ish, unless you think I should come back earlier-”

“No, no, spend time with your friends!” He waved her down. “It’s been too long since you’ve been able to see them. I want you to enjoy yourself.”

Dizzy looked unsure. “Really, I can try and postpone-”

Ky placed a hand on his wife’s shoulder. “Dizzy. It’s alright. I want you to be able to enjoy yourself. The kids are going to be fine for one afternoon.”

“Oh, alright. Maybe I am being a little paranoid…” She relented. “You said father is coming to look after the children, yes?”

“Yes. I’m expecting Sol to be here soon.” Twenty minutes ago, actually, but it would be naïve to think that Sol Badguy would ever be on time. Just as long as he actually showed up. “He’s very good at handling Sin, and I doubt the rest of them would think to start trouble with him there.”

“Well, in that case, I’ll go get ready. I’d like to leave a little early, just in case the traffic is bad.”

“Alright.” He leaned over to kiss her on the cheek. “Have fun, enjoy yourself. Tell everyone I said hi, okay?”

“Of course.”

As soon as Dizzy left, Ky went back to his paperwork. Ideally, he could get a few more documents reviewed before it was time to go. No point in slacking off if he had the time. He never did well with too much free time. He liked to keep busy.

It was only five papers and twelve minutes that Ky realized Sol still had yet to show up.

A part of him knew that Sin was almost full grown, and that he should let him do as he pleased. The paranoid parent in him disagreed, especially considering that it wasn’t just Sin, it was all four of them. He knew from experience the sort of mischief the kids could cause. And if there was any day that he didn’t want to have to worry about the kitchen exploding or a giant magehound wrecking the castle, it was today, when he wouldn’t be able to keep an eye on things. Having someone around to watch was the safest option.

Sol was supposed to have come almost forty minutes ago. This was getting ridiculous, even for him. Had he managed to forget? Was traffic bad?

Well, perhaps a call would give him some answers. He knew Sol’s number like the back of his hand. The man never picked up on the first ring. Ky was used to being patient and waiting, but today, every missed ring just made his blood pressure climb.

“Sol here.” The Gear announced, voice as flat and growly as it always was.

“Sol.” Ky didn’t bother with formalities. “Where are you? You’re late.”

“Eh?” The audio quality was grainy, but there was definitely confusion in the man’s voice. “Geez, kid, why’re you calling me out of nowhere?”

“I’m not. You were supposed to be here. I have to leave soon, and Sin still needs someone to watch him.”

“Still needs a-...aw, fuck.” He could hear Sol smack himself in the face. “That was today, wasn’t it.”

“Look, I can forgive you for forgetting, but you need to get here as soon as humanly possible.”

“Yeah, uh...about that. I’m takin’ a rain-check on babysitting duty.”

“Huh?”

“Look, you know I like the little ankle-biter-” Ky didn’t like where he thought this was going, “-but Axl’s got the stomach flu, and someone needs to clean up the mess.”

The king huffed. “Can’t he handle it himself?”

“Damn, kid, when’d you get so- oi, aim for the bucket, idiot!” The conversation went quiet for a moment, until Sol came back. “Shit, sorry. Turns out viruses hit a lot harder than they used to. I’d be happy to switch places if you-”

“It- it’s fine.” Ky pressed a hand to his temple, feeling a headache coming on. “I’ll find someone else. Buy ginger ale if you don’t have any, make sure he stays hydrated, and if the, er… _mess_ lasts more than a day, call a doctor.”

He could practically hear Sol’s eye roll. “Yeah, yeah, mom.”

As the magic-com dispelled, Ky tried to think. Alright, Sol was out. Maybe Leo? For all of his bluster, the man was genuinely good with children. There were only so many options for working on such short notice, especially for people who could handle multiple extremely powerful children. If he wished, he could probably order the castle servants to do it, but they already had duties to fulfill, and he wasn’t sure if Sin would accidentally injure them by accident. Leo was rather sturdy, Ky was sure he’d be fine.

One of the nice things about having the direct communication spell for both kings was that it let them bypass all the secretaries and message-forwarding and speak to each other promptly. Even if it was supposed to be more for urgent matters of political importance, Ky supposed he could get away with using it this one time for personal matters.

The second king picked up after two rings. “Bambino? Why are you calling me on the direct line, is something wrong?”

“Yes- well, no. Wrong in a certain definition.” Ky pinched the bridge of his nose with his free hand. “I was wondering if you’d happen to be free for some of the afternoon? I need someone to look after the kids.”

The line went quiet, and Ky was desperately hoping that meant something good. 

“Did you forget about the Persian diplomats that I was supposed to meet with today?”

He felt his heart sink. “That was today…?”

“I’m busy, Ky, you know that.” Leo’s voice was pitying. “I’ve had this negotiation planned for weeks, I can’t just back out last-minute. It would reflect poorly on all of us.”

“I know, I know.” Ky replied, feeling his heart sink deeper in his chest. “I’m sorry. I didn’t intend to disturb you.”

“It’s alright. Have you tried asking Daryl?”

Daryl didn’t even pick up when he tried to call. Ky wasn’t sure of the man’s schedule, or if he was supposed to be busy. There was just no information. Under normal circumstances, he would have looked more into it, but considering his current state, he didn’t think he had enough time to be chasing tails.

Tails? Maybe the best caretaker for a Gear would be another Gear.

++++++

“I’m a doctor, Ky, not a babysitter!” Paradigm huffed in reply, feathers fluffing in irritation.

He’d been gruff and irritable even before Ky had said anything, apparently stuck on a project. Ky probably should have taken that as a sign right from the get-go, but he’d been desperate enough to ask anyway. “I understand. I’m sorry.”

“Do you really think I’d have expertise on this matter? I’m a scholar! I know Gears, but I don’t know the first thing about raising them!”

The door slammed behind him as he left. If it weren’t for the years of training spent trying to control his temper, Ky would have banged his head against a wall. He was running out of ideas. No matter what he tried to think of, no option seemed feasible with the short amount of time he had. Testament wouldn’t have been able to make it in time even if he said yes, Johnny and his girls were going to be busy with Dizzy, he wouldn’t _dare_ try and ask Potemkin or any other delegates to handle something so small…

Slender fingers raked through his hair, desperately wishing for some kind of idea to magically strike him. The hallway surrounding him was near-silent, save for the sound of thumping footsteps overhead. Ky had no idea how the research division could stand to work like that, it would only drive him insane. Maybe it would be worth trying to renovate the floor to add some sound insulation…

Wait a moment, the research division! They worked with difficult tasks, maybe they’d be more equipped to handle Sin? It was a ridiculous thought, but it was the closest thing to reasonable that he had in his situation. The door to the main office had still been propped open, making it easy for the king to stick his head inside and glance around...only to find nothing but stacks of papers and empty desks.

The research division had cleared out already for the early workday. Ky could understand, it was a beautiful day, much better spent with family and friends rather than staying holed up in what was practically the castle’s basement. It wasn’t much of a surprise that there was nobody-

“Sun shinin’ through my win-dow~”

His ears perked up. Singing? Who on earth was singing?

“Gleams like honey, so gol-den and so sweet, you can almost taste it~”

Ky poked his head into the paranormal office. It certainly looked abandoned, aside from the floes of paperwork that had been wrangled into somewhat-organized piles.

On second glance, he spotted something shiny and golden twinkling off the ceiling lights. Feeling a swell of hope in his chest, he stepped inside and tapped his knuckles against the doorframe.

“La-la la-la-la-”

“Um, excuse me?”

The cheery melody immediately cut off into a panicked, discordant squawk. One of the paper towers tipped over, revealing a flustered young man wearing the paranormal division uniform.

He knew the man, at least by face. Zappa something-or-other. He’d been transferred in during the colony incident. He had a straight record, even if it was missing a few pieces- apparently something about a long-term illness that kept him out for work for a few years- but the kid was clean, no behavior reports or code violations. 

Ky offered a warm smile. “Hello there. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you.”

Zappa still looked something like a small, terrified animal, but he at least managed to regain enough composure to reply. “Uh, h-hello, your majesty. Am I in trouble?”

“What? No, why would you say that?”

“Y-you came out of nowhere...”

Ky wished that he could process that logic, but he was lacking the patience to do such a thing. He took a deep breath before he spoke. “I apologize. No, I promise you’re not in trouble. I simply meant to ask if your afternoon schedule was full?”

That seemed to get the kid to calm down. “Oh, okay. I don’t have anything planned for today aside from work, why do you ask?”

He didn’t bother with drawing things out. He’d wasted enough time. “Have you ever worked with children?”

To his surprise, Zappa’s face lit up. “Ohhh, I love children! I used to babysit all the time for my neighbors!”

Ky thought he was about to pass out. “Thank the lord above. Do you think you’d be able to babysit my son and a couple of his friends for the afternoon? It would only be for a few hours, and I’d be more than happy to compensate you for it.”

“You’d trust me with that?” The man seemed more confused by that then the idea of babysitting a Gear. Then again, had he even met Sin before? It seemed unlikely.

“Well, your record is excellent, I can’t think of a reason as to why I wouldn’t. I must be sure though, Sin is stronger than the average child, and a bit on the rowdy side...are you sure you’ll be able to keep yourself safe?”

“Oh, it’s absolutely fine, sir!” Zappa gave a cheery salute. “I’m sure it won’t be that bad. Besides, a lot of my nerves are damaged, so I have a pretty high pain tolerance!”

Ky felt his train of thought fly off the rails and into the distance. “I’m sorry, you what?”

The man went pink, murmuring something about stab wounds. Ultimately, Ky decided that it wasn’t something he needed to know about. 

He turned towards the door, gesturing for Zappa to follow. “Come along, then. I can give you more details on the way.”

“Yessir!”

++++++

“They’ve already had lunch. Dinner is at seven-thirty, but all you have to worry about is getting them there. The cooking staff will prepare it. And I doubt Sin or Ram will want to be late for dinner, anyway. They both can have absurd appetites…”

“Okay, then. I can do that.” Zappa quickly jotted a few notes, looking back up at Ky as he paced back and forth across the room. The king was somewhat intimidating to be so close to, but his stance had shades of a concerned parent, more than a terrifying authority figure. At first, he assumed Ky was doing it to scare him into exemplary behavior, but now he was getting the idea that it was more of a nervous habit than anything else. “Up until then, though, what should I do? Are there any tasks I need to be sure are completed?”

“Oh, whatever they’d like.” Ky waved a hand dismissively. “Unless it’s something dangerous. Sin told me he’d finished his studies for the day already, so there’s no need to worry about homework.”

“Alright, can I ask what they like to do?”

“They’re children, they enjoy games. Sin likes making things up as he goes, it should be fine if you just follow him and intervene if he’s about to do something dangerous. He’s generally very easygoing, he shouldn’t be too testy with you. If he is, don’t feel bad about correcting bad behavior.”

“I...I see…”

Ky nodded. “Alright, well that covers Sin, at least, but I’ve got some notes for the others as well.” He thought for a moment. “Ramlethal. She’s a bit less reckless than Sin, but sometimes he pulls her into his plans. The biggest concern I’d have is her and Sin getting too rowdy and breaking something. I’ve confiscated her swords, but I can’t guarantee she won’t try and take them back.”

“Swords?” The man paled.

“Er- She’s really quite gentle, I promise.” Ky tried to deescalate the situation before he could manage to scare the man off. “I’d be more worried about her attacking the furniture than you.”

Zappa still seemed a bit uneasy, but he offered no other objections. Ky took that as a cue to continue. “Elphelt, she’s probably the least worrisome. Just try to keep her from getting in over her head. A lot of her hobbies are harmless, she likes baking and dressing herself up, but if things get too messy or if she tries to cover the castle in glitter again, don’t hesitate to tell her no.”

“...Again?” Zappa tilted his head. “Er, right, right, I’ll watch out for that.”

“Excellent. Lastly, Bedman. Be careful with him, he looks rather harmless but he gets into a lot of trouble if you leave him alone for too long. Especially around the appliances. My best advice is to just keep him talking about something he’s interested in, that should keep him distracted and stop him from trying to dismantle the freezer.”

“With all due respect, sir…”

“Yes?”

“Your children seem very strange.”

“That’s true. Although,” Ky managed a confident smile, “that’s supposed to be your department’s specialty, isn’t it?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly I have the entire fic finished, I was going to put the chapters up weekly but I'm impatient and let's be honest nobody's gonna read this anyway so whatever

Zappa was doomed. Absolutely, completely, 100%-with-a-microscopic-margin-of-error doomed.

Apparently Gears were able to age faster than regular human beings were. At least, that's what he assumed. Not like he or most people knew much of anything about Gears, aside from the fact that they were supposed to be very dangerous killing machines...except for the ones that were nice? 

Alright, so that was all well and good, but it didn’t explain how someone who was supposed to be three-and-a-half years old managed to tower over him so much.

“Hi there!” Said three-and-a-half-year-old greeted him with an emphatic wave and a friendly smile, seemingly completely unaware of the fact that Zappa was about to faint just at the sight of him. “Are you looking for dad? I think he just left.”

“I-I- no, I was, erm, I was actually looking for you and...are those your friends?” Zappa gestured behind the tall boy towards two other girls doing something with nail polish, who he was at least able to recognize from memory. “Ramlethal and Elphelt, correct?”

“Yeah! Wait, you were looking for me? What for?” Somehow, Zappa only just then noticed the patch covering his right eye. That, along with his height and remarkably muscular appearance, made him appear far more intimidating than Ky’s descriptions or his own apparently-friendly demeanour indicated. 

Zappa took a deep breath in and tried to steady himself, placing a hand on his chest. “I would have assumed that your father had told you. My name is Zappa, and he asked me to look after you while your parents are away.”

Sin tilted his head. “Oh. I thought the old man was supposed to come over today! Is he not coming?”

“I’m not sure on all of the details, but your regular babysitter wasn’t able to make it, so I was asked to replace him.”

At least from what he could tell, Sin only looked mildly disappointed. His unhappiness shed into another amicable smile moments later. Without any warning, he grabbed the man by the wrist. “Hey guys! Lookit!”

The two girls glanced up from what they were doing to watch Sin drag over a total stranger. “The old man isn’t coming over today, dad got us someone else! This is Mr. Zipper!”

“Zappa.” He corrected, pulling himself from Sin’s grip to smooth his clothes down. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. I hope we can get along.”

“Hi, there!” Elphelt jumped out of her chair at a remarkable speed, taking his hand in a tight grip and shaking it roughly. “I’m Elphelt, and this is my sister Ramlethal! We’re both so happy to meet you! I’m glad we could finally get a cute babysitter for once, Mr. Badguy is nice but he can be sooo intimidating sometimes! Your hair’s a lot shorter than his but I’d still love to braid it if you’d let me-!”

“Ah, I’m not sure I-” He tried to process all of the words that had been thrown at him, only for his mind to unhelpfully go in a completely different direction. “Hold on just a moment, I was told that there would be four of you. Is one missing?”

Something thumped against the door. The sudden noise made him jump, with his brain continuing to be immensely unhelpful by conjuring up images of a furious first King, ready to attack him for managing to lose one of the children he was supposed to be looking after.

Instead, when Sin went and opened it up, in came a small boy with scruffy purple hair carrying several hotplates.

“Hi Bedman!” Sin greeted him, to which the newcomer completely ignored him and carried his belongings over to what Zappa had assumed was just a pile of blankets. The hotplates were dumped onto a chair, and the topmost blanket was lifted up to reveal a whole menagerie of different machine parts and tools.

“That one is Bedman?” The man mused aloud. The technology affinity lined up, but with the criminal reports he’d seen Zappa had been expecting someone a little more intimidating. Then again, he hadn’t been expecting a toddler to be a one-eyed wall of muscle, either. This was all very confusing...

“Yeah he’s my friend!” Though it hadn’t been asked to him, Sin replied anyway. He walked towards the pile of parts, tilting his head as Bedman began removing a metal coil. “Hey! Whatcha doing?”

Bedman didn’t reply, instead focusing on the appliance he was trying to pull apart. “Earth to Bedman!”

The louder tone only managed to get him a very brief glance. “Can you pass me the 1.4 millimeter flathead?”

Sin looked confused by the request. He bent down and grabbed a tool from the menagerie. “This it?”

“No, but close enough.” Taking the object, Bedman immediately began unscrewing something on the underside. After a few turns, the spiral of metal fell loose and clanged to the floor. “Ah, there we are.”

Wait a minute, the king had said something about this, right? Zappa cleared his throat to try and get the boy’s attention. “Y-you really shouldn’t steal things, you know. That isn’t good…”

That actually got Bedman to pause what he was doing, looking miffed at the man’s reaction. “I didn’t steal them. They were going to be thrown out. I needed the coils, so the staff let me have them.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.” He could feel his face going red. Why had he just assumed they were stolen, what was wrong with him? “Uh, can I ask what you’re making?”

“Orbital death ray.”

Now Zappa could feel himself going a completely different color. He could hear his voice squeaking before he could even form words. “ _What?”_

Any further conversation was interrupted as Sin suddenly burst out into noisy peals of laughter. “What’s so funny?”

“Bahaha! Don’t worry, mister!” Sin gave him a reassuring- if not especially gentle- pat on the back, one that nearly knocked the hat clean off his head. “He’s just trying to improve the generator. Bedman’s got a funny sense of humor, you get used to it!”

And back to red again. Zappa was sure his heart was going to give out at that rate. “Well, as long as you’re being careful, I have notroublelettingyoudowhatyouwantokbye-”

He didn’t notice he’d been slurring his words. Zappa merely hurried off, probably to go drown himself in the nearest bathtub. Or more practically, make sure that Elphelt and Ramlethal weren’t secretly doing some cult ritual that he’d managed to miss. Considering how today was going so far…

“Hello, girls.” Despite his uneasiness, he still tried to look inviting. “Just checking up on you. What are you two up to?”

“That was fast!” Elphelt giggled, covering her mouth with a hand. “But it’s nice to have someone around that actually pays attention. Most of the time Mr. Badguy just naps in the corner and doesn’t do anything at all! Sooo boring.”

“He just leaves you there?”

She nodded, clearly missing the panic in his voice. “I tried to give him a makeover once, y’know, because I thought he wouldn’t mind if he was asleep, but he woke up halfway through and yelled at me!”

That was an odd kind of reassurance. If his majesty was willing to leave his children in the care of someone so neglectful, then he didn’t exactly have standards to try and match. 

“Well, I’ll do my best to help you, if you’d like me to.”

The pink-haired girl lit up. “Really?! That’s so sweet of you! And perfectly timed, too! I just got a new makeup palette in the mail and Ram didn’t get to try out her new nail polish the last time Mr. Badguy visited!”

She spoke so fast, it was impossible to keep up. Zappa tried to parse the words in his head, but got nowhere useful. What on earth was with these children? Where did they get this sort of energy? And by the time he started trying, he noticed Ramlethal already had a grip on his hand.

“What are you doing?”

“Elphelt said, practicing my painting.” With her other hand, she pulled over a little apple-green bottle. “Hold still, please.”

“Oh. Uh, do whatever you’d like.” As long as she wasn’t running around and getting into trouble, he supposed he didn’t mind. A little makeup was worth keeping the peace. Besides, mother had let him try on her polish when he was young, and he’d always thought it added an elegant touch. 

Something tugged on the other side of his head, earning a little groan from Ramlethal as his hand jostled. 

“Sorry!” Elphelt said, tugging a bit more gently. When he glanced over, she was reaching for a hairbrush. “Wow, your hair is really soft! Wish mine was like this…”

“Was there something you wanted to do, Sin?” Zappa asked. “I realize I forgot to ask. I’m not sure what you like to do in your free time.”

He shrugged. “Ram and I play games. We like to compete. But we can’t do that until she’s done, so I guess I’ll wait for now.”

“I’ll try and finish as fast as I can.” The Valentine said, reaching for a different bottle. “Hmm. Maybe black would go better with your uniform? Maybe I can try alternating…”

Well, that sounded perfectly safe. “What sorts of games?”

“We like to make things up a lot. But racing is fun! We’re both really fast!” A thought seemed to come to him. “Hey, can you be the referee? It’s hard to tell who won sometimes, and Bedman never pays attention long enough. I wanna see if I can beat my record across the courtyard!”

The nearest window offered a beautifully sunny view. “I think that’s a wonderful idea, Sin! It looks like the weather is still holding up. Nothing wrong with wanting to get a bit of exercise and work off some extra energy!”

And having a group of children tired out from running and playing, it would be easier to keep an eye on things and make sure nobody got into trouble. But Zappa didn’t say that out loud.

Sin grinned eagerly. “Awesome! Thanks!”

Ramlethal capped her bottle, looking at her color job from a few different angles. “Mmm. Looks nice. Let it dry a minute or two.”

“Are you all done? Does that mean we can play now?”

Zappa nodded, looking over his new green-and-black nails. “Thank you for being patient, Sin.”

Sin actually appeared quite well-mannered. Maybe he had been overthinking this, maybe it wouldn’t really be that bad after all-

“Hey, mister! Me and Ram are gonna jump out and try to land in the courtyard, can you be the judge on which one of us has a better landing?”

“You’re going to what?” Zappa took a moment to process the question, before his eyes widened. “Wait, but aren’t we on the sixth floor…?”

His response came in the form of a cheery laugh and the sound of the window clicking open. “Yeah! C’mon Ram, you first!”

“But my nails aren’t done yet.”

“Ok! I’ll go, then!” Before he could react, Sin was perched on the sill. “Here I go!”

It wasn’t a joke. It definitely wasn’t a bluff. Sin seemed to have no hesitation in climbing halfway out the window and experimentally flexing his body. He knew that children were reckless, but was Sin absolutely mad? Was he trying to hurt himself? 

“S-Sin! Stop! Get down from there! You’re going to fall!”

But he only laughed again. “Well, duh! That’s the point! Now make sure you’re watching! Ready, steady- !”

Zappa heard the chair fall and hit the ground behind him as he sprang out of it. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d managed to start sprinting so abruptly, but he had less time to marvel at his own physical ability than he did worrying about the fact that the child he was supposed to be looking after and ensuring the welfare of was about to leap out a window, with seemingly no care for his own well-being.

“Nooo-!”

For as fast as he was moving, he still only managed to grab Sin’s coat as he leapt. Sin must have weighed more than him, or the momentum from his jump was too much for him to counterbalance, because as soon as he grabbed onto the boy, Zappa found himself skidding along, stumbling over his heels until he pitched head-first out the window.

_“AAAAAAAAAAAA!”_

Even if it wasn’t the sixth floor, it was _definitely_ high. And over the stone pathways, of course, like he needed one more thing to guarantee he was about five seconds from becoming a pile of red paste on the ground. His arms spiraled uselessly by his sides, which certainly wasn’t helping him fly.

He’d already lost track of Sin. It was hard to pay attention to anything other than the ground as it hurtled up towards him. Oh jeez, Sin. Maybe it was a good thing if he hit the ground and died. His majesty was absolutely not going to be happy at the idea of him letting his beloved kid jump out of a fucking window. He’d be lucky to not get paid for this, he was sure this probably counted as some sort of treason-

“Alley-oop!”

A pair of arms grabbed him around the middle, squeezing tight and holding him upright. Not a moment after he recognized that it was Sin’s voice, Zappa felt his fall come to an abrupt stop, coupled with a harsh crack that either had to be Sin slamming into the ground and smashing the stone, or all of his bones breaking simultaneously. It was surprisingly hard to tell.

The boy seemed no worse for wear, still clinging onto him tightly. If anything, he seemed more put-together, and somehow completely unharmed from the fall.

The sound of ruffling fabric came from overhead. Ram near-noiselessly fluttered to the ground nearby with total ease, watching the two of them calmly. “Oh good, you caught him.”

“Haha! That was fun!” Sin cawed. “You okay?”

He set his babysitter on the ground, only for him to immediately collapse. Zappa crawled over to the grass on shaky arms and legs in order to empty his stomach behind the nearest bush.

Ram frowned at him. “You ruined the polish…”


	3. Chapter 3

Sin tilted his head curiously. “You sure we shouldn’t call a doctor?

“I just- I just need a minute.” Zappa said, pressing a hand to his temple. “My head’s spinning…”

“Sudden stops can cause whiplash.” Bedman stated with utter nonchalance. “You could also have a concussion, which may result in neurological damage.”

“Just- just hush up, okay! Everything’s fine, so be quiet!” Elphelt berated the both of them, peeling the back off of another heart-shaped plaster to slap it on a scrape.

Zappa groaned, rolling his sleeve back into place. “Elphelt, I think that’s enough bandages.”

She winced, smiling apologetically. “Sorry.”

“So can I go now? I don’t know how I could possibly get anything done with all these interruptions.”

“Go- go play, Bedman, whatever you want.” Zappa waved him off. 

“...Are you really sure you’re fine?”

“It’s okay, Sin! It really is.” With a very unconvincing smile, he stood up and put hands on his hips. “I’m feeling pretty good now, actually! Just needed a sit-down.”

That seemed enough to appease him. “Oh. Okay! C’mon, Ram, ready for round two?”

“Ah- slow down a bit-” Zappa immediately backpedaled, raising his hands. “Maybe we should find an activity that’s less...strenuous?” 

Sin visibly deflated, suddenly looking a lot like a kicked puppy. “Whaaat? But- but you said-”

“Do you think you could do something quiet, just for a little while?”

“Okay…” He eventually replied, morosely shuffling off to the other side of the room.

Well shit, this wasn’t going as well as he’d hoped. He knew he just needed to survive the afternoon, but he really would have preferred that it wasn’t torture for everyone involved. Sin was already doing sad circles in the corner, and Ramlethal and Elphelt seemed uneasy to do much of anything. Whether or not Bedman was in the same boat, having three depressed children was more than he wanted to have. How could he fix this?

“You don’t have to worry about me.” He tried to reassure the girls. “You can do whatever you’d-”

A harsh metallic noise made everyone flinch. When Zappa turned to the source of it, he found Bedman scraping away at one of the metal baubles, trying to accomplish who-knew-what with it.

“H-hey, do you think you can be a little quieter?” He asked, wincing at the noise as it continued. “It’s really disruptive.”

A displeased scowl and a monotone grumble were sent in his direction, but the sound quieted. “Okay, good. At least I have that going for me…” He turned back to the Valentines. “R-right. So, what would you two like to do? Anything I can help with?”

“N-no, it’s okay, really!” Elphelt threw up her hands. “I don’t want to cause trouble.”

“Don’t stop yourself on my account. I’m supposed to be looking after you, not the other way around.”

Ram drummed her fingers on the table. “Food isn’t dangerous.”

“Food?” Zappa tilted his head. “His majesty-”

“Ky.” Sin barked from the other side of the room.

“Uh, Mr. Ky, said you already ate lunch.” He paused, then stood up out of his chair. “But I suppose an afternoon snack isn’t unreasonable.”

“Ooh!” Elphelt, at least, seemed on-board with the idea. “I know we should still have some leftover tea biscuits from yesterday, maybe that’d be nice?”

“Sounds good to me!” The man nodded approvingly. “Ramlethal, you brought it up, was there something in specific you wanted?”

“Hamburger.”

Both her sister and sitter gave her an odd look. “Th- That’s not really a snack.” Zappa rubbed the back of his neck. “Do you have anything else?”

Ram put one hand on either of his shoulders and gripped, staring with a gaze that was somehow neutral and frighteningly intense simultaneously.

“Ham. Burger.”

“Woah, dial it back, Ram!” Elphelt pulled her sister back. “We can have that for dinner. Um, you like those cheesy crackers they keep in the cupboards, right? That’s a better- eek!”

A dart of metal cut her off, flying past the three of them to bounce off the table’s edge, pinwheel in the air, and clatter on the floor before any of them could make out what exactly the projectile was. A flathead screwdriver, handle dented from where it had smashed into the hardwood.

It was obvious to tell who the perpetrator was before Bedman shouted from across the room, “You’re making too much noise! Shut up! I can’t focus on my work!”

“Bedman!” Zappa said, aghast as he picked the tool up. “Don’t do that, you could hurt someone!”

The boy scowled, but seemed to have no intent to throw anything else. “What was that about?” Elphelt whispered. “He’s kinda scary, but that’s never happened…”

“Sometimes people just have bad days. I can imagine the sudden schedule change put a bit of stress on everyone.” With as comforting a tone as he could manage, Zappa gave the girl a pat on the shoulder. “It might be good for all of us to go get something to nibble on, even if it’s just for a little change of scenery.”

Both girls seemed to find that reasonable, and nodded. “Excellent. Bedman, would you like to come- ?”

Zappa moved to walk to the other side of the room. As soon as he started to approach, though, he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. “Wh- Sin, what are you doing?! Get down from there!”

Sin had apparently decided that the best way to alleviate his boredom involved scaling the nearest bookshelf, but he hadn’t accounted for his own weight or the fact that it hadn’t been nailed to the wall, and now the entire thing swayed as he tried to climb it growing more and more unstable as he tried to get to the top.

“I-I mean it!” He wasn’t sure if it was a better idea to stay far away from the giant thing that might crush his skull, or to get close enough that he could persuade Sin down. Damn it, why hadn’t he been paying attention?? After the last disaster, why did he think he could take any chances? Why would he be so reckless? “You’re going to hurt yourself!”

“‘m fine, man!” Sin shouted over his shoulder. “I don’t mind a fall!”

A fall, maybe, but Zappa didn’t like the idea of an entire loaded bookshelf crashing down on top of him, or injuring any of the other people in the room. Hell, even damaging a book on the shelf was a hazard, since _he’d_ probably have to pay for anything that got broken while he was supposed to be the responsible competent adult-

He managed to jump back fast enough for the bookshelf to fall somewhere other than on him, but not enough to guard his ears from the colossal crash it made. As soon as the throb of pain subsided from the overwhelming noise, a second flood of terror invaded.

“Sin!?”

“Oww! That really hurt!” Elphelt shout-whined. Zappa turned to see her rubbing an already-forming bruise on her head, presumably from another projectile. “That book was really heavy! Why did you have to go knocking things down, Sin?”

“Sin!?” The man shouted again, getting to work shoveling the strewn books off of a half-covered body on the floor. “Are you okay? Do you need a doctor?”

“Woah…” When the book was pulled off his face, Sin was staring at the ceiling with a blank, distant expression. A moment later, the grin came back to his face. “That was fun! Can I do it again?”

“Fun?!” Elphelt shouted back, looking genuinely upset. “You hit me with a dictionary!”

“It- It was just an accident, Elphelt.” Zappa attempted to calm her, while hauling Sin to his feet. “I’m sure he’s sorry-”

An ungodly shriek of frustration drowned out anything else he wanted to say. “You broke it!!”

“Oh, no…” He groaned, turning yet again. Though he couldn’t tell what exactly it had been, he could tell that a book had smashed Bedman’s project into multiple pieces, and he looked absolutely furious about it as he shambled to his feet..

“I’ve spent _hours_ on this component!”

“Bedman, Bedman, calm down-” The man held out a hand, feeling his eyes go wide with growing panic. “I know you’re frustrated, but let’s just take a minute to breathe-”

Something yanked him in the opposite direction. Ramlethal was grabbing Sin by the collar, wearing that creepy, intense look again.

“Apologize to Elphelt.”

“Wha?” Sin still looked and sounded a little off, had he banged his head after all? “What happened?”

“Ramlethal, put him down- “ Zappa put a hand out in either direction in a vain attempt to keep Ram and Bedman from doing something dangerous, with Elphelt all the while sniffling sadly in the background. “Come on, let’s just take a deep breath. Bedman, why don’t you and I step outside for a moment-”

“I’m not going _anywhere!”_

The shout was punctuated by a thrown book. Zappa managed to duck back away from it, but realized too late how terrible of a plan that had been when it soared past him only to smack right into Ramlethal. She didn’t shout in pain, but she grunted, dropped Sin, and looked very, very displeased.

Based on his expression, Bedman could tell he had made a mistake, but he was too knee-deep to back down now, so he grabbed another book and hefted it. “D-don’t look at me like that!”

That was the tipping point. Before Zappa could react, Ramlethal was literally flying off the ground and attempting to throw more books back. Bedman half-tossed himself behind the nearest couch, and Elphelt apparently decided she was tired of playing nice, and started lobbing things at the both of them, as they all fell into discordant squabbling.

“Stop! Stop!” It hadn’t worked so far, but it wasn’t going to stop Zappa from trying. “Please, there’s no need to fight! Don’t hurt each other!”

“Are we playing a game?” Sin asked, apparently having come back to his senses. “Sounds like fun! I call dibs on the World Encyclopedia!”

“No! No, Sin, put that down- !” But it was pointless. His voice was hardly loud enough to even be heard, and Sin ran off without a moment of hesitation. “Damn it…”

Zappa struggled to think of something. He attempted to grab Ramlethal by the leg as she flew by again, but she was too fast. Pleading with them politely clearly didn’t work, and trying to make a run for it to find help didn’t seem especially safe, it was hard enough ducking out of the way to avoid getting beaned in the head with a leather-bound legal dictionary. This was an absolute disaster. This was worse than an argument, this was a full-on brawl, swinging books that definitely looked capable of causing a nasty concussion _at minimum._ How had he messed up this badly on his first day?!

“Damn it, Zappa, think!” Was it really worth it to try and run? Was there any hope he could talk them down by this point? Bribing with food hadn’t worked- maybe a game to play? But he couldn’t think of anything off the top of his head, let alone something he had the supplies for. What was he good at, something he knew he could do? Dammit, think, think, think-

“Would you like to hear a ghost story?”

The shouting petered out, and the fight that had been in full swing screeched to a halt.

“...Huh?” Sin stopped halfway through tipping the table over. 

“Why don’t we sit down, and I’ll tell you a scary story?” Zappa offered, still too rattled to risk even breaking eye contact, in fear the kids would immediately go back to fighting. “I can tell you a very good ghost story. Doesn’t that sound fun?”

It seemed to be doing the trick. The children appeared more intrigued by the concept than the idea of throwing things at one another anymore.

“Ghost story?” Asked Ramlethal, slowly floating back to the ground. “I think Sin has told me about those. Apparitions coming out of wells? Mirages in fields?”

“Well, it’s the same general concept, yes.” The man nodded. “But I promise you’ve never heard this story before, because it happened to me. Though it’s a ‘ghost story,’ everything in it actually happened to me during my travels across Europe six years ago.”

Elphelt put down the book she’d been defending herself with. “Really? You saw real, actual ghosts? Ahh, that sounds terrifying!”

“It was.” He said, managing a sly look. “It was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced. And I’ve been to community college!”

Even Bedman seemed intrigued. “That sounds wholly unscientific. I require more details so I can deduce the true source of your so-called ‘ghost.’”

Zappa smiled, picking up a couch cushion and finding a place on the floor to sit. “If you wish. But I promise that every word of it is 100% true. Take a seat, kiddies, because I’m going to tell you every last detail, clear as day.”

He definitely had their attention now. Everyone grabbed a pillow, or a blanket, or something of the sort to sit down onto. After picking the chairs back up and sorting a few books into a pile, Zappa joined them, legs crossed, smiling ominously.

“Now, let me tell you a story, a tale of an angry, vengeful spirit…”

++++++

“Sin, I’m home!”

Dizzy hung her satchel on a convenient wall peg, kicking her shoes off immediately after. Once that was finished, she stood and happily braced herself for the inevitable tackle-hug that Sin always surprised her with.

“...Sin?” When it didn’t come, she looked back and forth, as if he was waiting nearby. “That’s odd. Where is that boy?”

The dining room seemed like the most obvious choice. When she arrived there, however, she found nobody but the staff, equally puzzled on why Sin hadn’t barged in half an hour early as he did nearly every night. Dizzy still thanked them for the help, and went off in search.

Well, there was that one tearoom he liked to use, less as its original use and more as a place to play, if he wasn’t roughhousing outside. That was where he had been before she left, though, so it seemed unlikely he would still be in there.

Unlikely, but not impossible, as the room’s light was on as she approached, spilling into the hallway from the half-open door. Something else spilled out, a man’s voice, apparently telling some kind of story based on the dramatic cadence.

Dizzy stepped into the doorframe, managing to not catch the attention of any of the children sitting on the floor, across from a man in a division uniform. They all stared at the man, fully enraptured as he spoke, gesticulating dramatically in a way that was cheesy, but charmingly so.

“The vengeful spirit raised a cold, unearthly hand and clung onto my shoulder, whispering in a dark, hissing voice, _‘don’t think you can escape me so easily...I’ll always be a part of you, no matter how far you run, my love. Always…'”_

He noticed Dizzy as she entered the room fully. “Oh, your mother is back! Hello, Mrs. Kiske!”

“Hello, there.” She waved politely, watching the man as he stood up and approached. “I suppose father never made it out after all. Ky mentioned he’d found someone else. I’m so sorry about the short notice...”

“I’m Zappa.” He shook her hand. “Paranormal division. And it was no trouble at all! You’ve got such nice children, ehehe.” There was a brief look of unease in his expression, but maybe she had just imagined it.

“Hi, mom!” In her distraction, she hadn’t been bracing herself, so Sin nearly bowled her over with his usual greeting, if not for Undine helping her stay propped up.

“-oof! It’s good to see you, sweetheart.” Dizzy noticed the overturned bookshelf, and the wobbly stacks of books next to it. “Oh, dear. What happened?”

Elphelt wrung her hands together. “Um, there was-”

“It was me, I knocked it down,” Sin declared, “so don’t blame anyone else for it, okay?”

Dizzy looked at him oddly. “Alright, if you say so. I’m sure it was an accident. We can have one of the handymen put it back up later. I’m more surprised you all aren’t at dinner.”

“Dinner...dinner!” Sin jerked to attention. “It’s dinnertime! How did I forget?!”

“It _was_ a pretty good story!” Said Elphelt. “It was really scary! But really cool, too!”

“I liked the part with the dog.” Said Ramlethal.

Zappa beamed. “I’m glad you enjoyed it! I’m happy we could have a good time together, even if it wasn’t what you planned for.”

“It sounds like you had fun, then?” Dizzy asked.

“A whole lot!” Sin jerked his head up and down. “Can we have him come babysit again? I mean, the old man is a lot of fun, but I like this guy too!”

She gave her boy a smile and a pat on the head. “It depends, I know the paranormal division works very hard, and I’m sure Mr. Zappa has things he needs to do in his free time, too. Now, why don’t the four of you go down and eat? I’ll just be a minute. The cooks say they’re making burgers tonight.”

“Ah, see, Ram?” Elphelt nudged her sister. “I told you we’d get burgers!”

“Burgers.” With complete nonchalance, Ram power-walked out of the room and down the hall.

“Ram, slow down!” The pink-haired girl protested, running after her. “How are you so fast?”

“Hell yeah, burgers!” Sin grabbed Bedman by the arm and started pulling him out. “Bye, Mr. Zappa!”

“Good-bye.” The other boy parroted, waving briefly.

As soon as they were all gone, Zappa felt a sigh leave him that he didn’t know he’d been holding. He felt himself going red, but Dizzy chuckled.

“They’re a bit of a handful, aren’t they? That’s alright. Ky and I have a hard enough time managing them sometimes, I can only imagine how troublesome it must have been.”

“Really, it wasn’t any trouble at all.” He waved her down. “It was definitely a learning experience, and a bit… _exciting_ , but it wasn’t much more difficult than looking after any other kids.”

“Oh, really?” Dizzy looked pleased by that. “I’m so happy to hear that! It’s so hard to find a good sitter for Sin, and I really hate dragging father out so often. I know Ky and I were thinking of trying to schedule a dinner date out next week.”

He immediately paled. “Well, ah, y’know, I’d _love_ to, but I’m not sure what my work schedule is gonna be like-”

She nodded politely, though a bit sad. “Of course, I completely understand. I know you have your own schedule to manage. But truly, I do appreciate you helping us so abruptly, and Sin seemed to like you, too!”

Zappa let his shoulders slump as Dizzy turned for something, silently giving thanks for not babbling himself into another corner without thinking. After today, he was pretty sure he needed a hot bath, a long night of rest, and maybe a few weeks of therapy.

The woman held out a sheaf of paper towards him. “Here. Ky left this envelope on the table with your name on it.”

“Huh?” He blinked, taking it and folding the flap open. “What’s this?”

“Payment, of course! Did Ky not say he was going to pay you for the afternoon?”

_‘I’d be more than happy to compensate you for it.’_ The words echoed in his head, but it felt like that had been years ago. “He did, I suppose I just forgot in all the excitement.”

Dizzy gave a polite curtsy. “I hope you have a nice night, Mr. Zappa. Would you like me to walk you to the door? It’s on the way down to the dining room, so it wouldn’t be any trouble for me.”

He nodded, half distracted as he pulled out the single sheet of paper inside. “If you wouldn’t mind, that would be-”

Zappa had to do a double take. There were more digits on that check than on the ones he took home every other week. Was it a writing error? They couldn’t have been serious…?

“M- ma’am??”

“Hmm?” Dizzy turned back to him. “Was there something else you needed?”

The man gave her a lopsided smile. “I-I’m free every night next week!”


End file.
